Dublin city has lost the run of itself. On O’Connell Street it is like St. Patrick’s Day and Agricultural Subsidies cheque day all rolled into one. The Dublin GAH team have brought home the All-Ireland Football Championship trophy; the Sam Maguire Cup. When we say they brought home the cup, what we mean is that they brought it all the way from Croke Park to O’Connell Street – via the National Children’s Hospital – a distance of some two and a half kilometres. Now that Dublin has secured the title we can be sure that the Irish government will declare a Jubilee year wherein all debts are cancelled and austerity measures reversed and compensated for – everyone knows that the winning of something of such cultural and national importance heralds in a sort of miniature Messianic Age; a time when everything magically gets better. The very presence of the Sam Maguire Cup – a massive chalice akin to the Holy Grail – will be sure to affect no small number of miracles at the Children’s Hospital and bring down fresh sources of funding as though manna from heaven. Tonight even the rain has come out in a show of support for the glory of Dublin and the drinking couch fanatics.
In all fairness the victory of Dublin over the Kingdom of Kerry was a foregone conclusion, and we must applaud the Kerry support for bothering to show up at all yesterday. It really was quite sporting of them. Pundits and other mystics had pointed out that the odds were astronomically (read astrologically) in favour of Dublin. Kerry has never beaten Dublin in a year ending with a five, Dublin have never failed to lose when four seagulls were seen together on the Eason’s clock at three in the afternoon, and only teams with blue in their county colours have won the all-Ireland final when Saturn is in conjunction with Mars. Already the staff in Super-Macs have reported record takings and the owners have announced that they will be upping the Christmas bonus to somewhere in the region of ten billion euros. The German Chancellor, Angela Merkel, herself a keen follower of both the Ploughing Championships and Dublin GAH, has announced to the Reichstag in Berlin that Ireland will now be given an honorary Get-Out-of-Jail-Free-Card, so that we can rack up more runaway Euro debt on Germany’s tab so that we can celebrate properly. Economists in UCD and other schools of witchcraft and wizardry have said that the result came in the nick of time.